I'm no expert, but here's what I think, after listening quickly through the hifi and on
iPhone earbuds:
The hihats seem to strangely poke out in a couple of places, at
one point making the vocal intelligible (at least in the earbuds). The organ in the spacey
middle section seems too dominant and the snare drags annoyingly at that point, too (as it
also does for a few bars later on).
The whole mix has a retro, kinda lofi sound
to it, which I actually really like. In fact overall, I think you've done a really nice
job.
Just my 2 pence, and in no way an expert opinion!
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http://www.soundcloud.com/sambrox
seedy.dk