Hello. This is a weird one... I made a decision a few years ago that I wouldn't get into any really serious relationships until I was at least 40, so I could concentrate on getting somewhere with music first.

I've been alright up to now, except recently I met a girl and just can't concentrate on things as well -especially the nerdy stuff I need to do. It just seems so pathetic compared to the other, erm... possibilities. Is this just a brain muscle that you have to develop? Is putting your mind on/off things part of being mature about 'stuff'? I've never been much good at that, hence the drastic decision to stay single.

Logically, I'm sort of annoyed this has happened because in the past I have drifted because of relationships (often being content to listen to music), but the human side of me is tugging at me like a toddler in a sweet shop.

Perhaps this is the wrong place, but I don't really know anyone who has a strong vocation or gets so distracted by being around another person.

Life is short with a numerous amount of long moment.

In other words, it's good to keep your personnal goal in mind, but don't worry if you have a little disgression especially if it's girls.

--------------------
http://soundcloud.com/orgasmo-sonore Revisiting Obscure Film Music

Indeed, life is too short. Take a chance with the relationship, you can always end it if it isn't right or doesn't work with your passion for music.

My partner is very supportive thankfully, but then I don't tend to go on world tours or anything like that, which I think would lead to problems.

--------------------
http://soundcloud.com/richie-royale
http://www.mixcrate.com/richieroyale

Thanks for that. Ideally, I really intended to meet someone on purpose (eventually) who was just as obsessed with some kind of interest as me. I'd rather snatch quality time inbetween getting on with our individual interests. I don't want to be at the centre of someone else's life, especially if they just want to do normal everyday things (9-5, telly, pub). Nothing wrong with that at all, but it wouldn't work if I'm sat at a computer making music all day. Who'd put up with that?

Also, it's probably better to be with someone you don't find unbelievably mesmerisingly attractive, but who has a more beautiful mind ...in the long run. Girls seem to have already cottoned on to this.

If it works out (and if you don't take the chance you'll never know) your relationship can become a mutual support society - you're both stronger together than apart. My relationship has been of that sort for over 30 years, at the core of my life and everything including music is better for it. It helps, of course, that we've always made music together

CC

--------------------
Put the fun back into dysfunctional.
Mr Punch's Studio

Every musician needs a muse. Without passion there is no music. Go for it, by the time you're 40 everything left on the shelf will be either damaged or desperate. Napoleon was married at 26, it didn't seem to distract him from being a high-achiever in the empire building industry.

Worst case scenario: She leaves you & even then you'll get at least an albums worth of misery out of it!

DM

--------------------
Not much in life worth running for. Or from.

Quote:

---

Napoleon was married at 26, it didn't seem to distract him from being a high-achiever in the empire building industry.

---

Napoleon had an ego the size of Europe though! I think mine would be stronger if I acheived something good first. I don't know, but I suppose that's what was in the back of my mind.

I wouldn't put myself in the same 'brilliance' bracket as these guys but... I remember reading stuff about why the composer Hummel never achieved the greatness of Beethoven, despite having an even more promising start. They say Hummel chose life (he got married, had a family). Beethoven chose art. I don't think it has to be this way, but perhaps Hummel was more distracted than say Mozart was. Nothing seemed to disrupt him, even deaths of family members!

Delius advised students never to marry 'unless they love your music more than they love you'. I suppose because that's the only scenario in which they would let or get you to work hard. I'm not saying I agree, but I so think getting with the wrong person can be disasterous.

(In case it gets taken the wrong way... when I said "girls seem to have already cottoned on to this", I meant in their own choice of relationships.)

Erm "but I so think" should've been "but I do think". (d is next to s)

Just sounded a bit too... "whatever" for me to let it go.

No doubt about it, women and families are a distraction and starting a family later in life (just when you should be reaching your peak as a performer or engineer before you start to lose your marbles) is an even bigger one.

I took a similar 'vow' in my twenties not to get too involved with women and definitely not to get married. This was fine while I was without a partner, but despite having a policy of waiting for the girl to make the first move, once I got one partner I couldn't beat them off with a shitty stick. So, although unmarried, I was quite busy for some years. I'm no looker and no great stud, but even telling them all about the other women in my life wasn't enough to turn them away.

Eventually I got married and failed to have children, then divorced and married again at which point I became a father at 52. Now I have children of 4 and coming up 2 and yes, I don't get the stuff done I used to. Plus I'm probably too happy to pour my heart out in great music. But, hey, these kids are going to support me in my dotage, just as soon as they leave school and start work. Maybe then I'll write some gorgeously rhapsodic music to express my unutterable joy at still being around.

Anyone who tells you women take up all your time hasn't considered children.

Quote tacitus:

---

Anyone who tells you women take up all your time hasn't considered children.

---

Very true. I also started a family later in life (41 in my case). Wife, child, career, pets, house & garden etc, it all places demands upon your time but it brings its own rewards plus it really makes you value the time you do get to spend on music. Years ago when I was single and devoting a large portion of my time to music a remember a fellow band member (who had wife and a great many kids) moaning about a practice being called off at short notice as he'd "been looking forward to it all week". I couldn't relate at the time but now I understand.

--------------------
http://www.random-thought.co.uk/

Happy Birthday Music Wolf

Wishing you a great day, many more to come, and in the years between them carry on with your contributions here to help pass the time. They are always welcome and appreciated.

Andy

--------------------
When the going gets weird, the Weird turn Pro.

Quote J.A.S:

---

... Ideally, I really intended to meet someone on purpose (eventually) who was just as obsessed with some kind of interest as me.

---

Sorry mate, Your conscious mind might have thought that but, as always in these matters, your hormones and sub-conscious mind have other opinions. Might be worth going with the flow for a while at least and seeing what happens. Nothin' wrong with planning your future, but good plans always have contingencies for the unexpected..

Andy

--------------------
When the going gets weird, the Weird turn Pro.

Quote:

---

I made a decision a few years ago that I wouldn't get into any really serious relationships until I was at least 40, so I could concentrate on getting somewhere with music first.

---

Get busy living, or get busy dying.

And living means taking all the opportunities that come your way. If that's happening to meet the right person for you, JFDI!

Thanks for all the replies. It looks like this is purely academic now anyway. I was getting a bit ahead of myself and it turns out the feelings aren't fully reciprocated! At least I found out without making a d*** of myself.

I have a weird mixture of disappointment and relief.

Aaaagghhh! Oh well.

"I have a weird mixture of disappointment and relief. "

Cue for a song ...

If you are a male musician slash composer you should definitely marry a rich girl. It help a lot if she likes your music. Be aware, you have to be really good at this music thing or Dadums might have to kill you.

Trivia : What % of pop songs lyrics are based on boy-girl relationship ?

--------------------
http://soundcloud.com/orgasmo-sonore Revisiting Obscure Film Music

With all due respect , I think you should get your head out of your arse and stop over analysing. No wonder your single if every time there is a potential relationship you feel as if you must fill out a virtual questionnaire. The right woman will enhance your life......simples! Dave

--------------------
My head hurts!

Quote turbodave:

---

With all due respect , I think you should get your head out of your arse and stop over analysing. No wonder your single if every time there is a potential relationship you feel as if you must fill out a virtual questionnaire. The right woman will enhance your life......simples! Dave

---

Yeah I agree. It's really quite simple to sell the idea that you will work really hard on your music. If the girl doesn't like it she will leave, but there are many others out there.

If you can't get an awesome girlfriend when you're a musician you've got not chance in any other walk of life. Girls into musicians really are the best kind. Really fun, interesting, confident, creative, non materialistic...

Quote Airfix:

---

If you are a male musician slash composer you should definitely marry a rich girl. It help a lot if she likes your music. Be aware, you have to be really good at this music thing or Dadums might have to kill you.

---

That's how it ended up for me, more by accident than design. She's from an impoverished background too, so entirely self made. This means no 'daddums' problems. Actually Daddy was a ballet super star from the early fifties and probably the biggest reprobate I have ever known. Still drinking his breakfast from a paper sack in Central Park most mornings. Anyway he certainly never got around to marrying 'Mummy', although he married enough other women... I'm usually the one giving him lectures about freedom of spirit not implying freedom from responsibility. And despite earning an eye watering income my wife is beautiful on the outside, beautiful on the inside, has an IQ of 145, is creative, totally non materialistic and loves my music. So, it can be done.

--------------------
Strictly project and just for fun

Quote:

---

No wonder your single if every time there is a potential relationship you feel as if you must fill out a virtual questionnaire.

---

er... slight exaggeration. I want to be single because I don't really have time for a relationship. If I make time, obviously something's got to give, and that would be the music. It's just sometimes I meet someone that changes my mind and I know that would definitely have a big affect on my life. I'm hardly searching for a lover.

Did you ever entertain the possibility that you might have been the one holding her back? Does it ever cross your mind that people might make sacrifices to have a relationship with you? If not, perhaps you're just not ready for a relationship yet. On the bright side when you're finally forced to admit you're not Beethoven, and end up working 40 hours a week in some middle-management job you hate, you won't be tied to some 'distraction' you can lay the blame on.

I was married at 21, if I could go back in time & change anything, I'd probably get married earlier! Bound heart, free spirit...

I'm sorry it didn't work out but trust me, when you meet the right person you won't be asking for anyone's advice

--------------------
Not much in life worth running for. Or from.

...and I think you answered your own thread. If you don't form a relationship with someone then you won't have a relationship with someone. I did most of my touring at a time when my wife had a full time job, we had 2 kids and we were foster caring.........how busy are you? Dave

--------------------
My head hurts!

I did a big archiving exercise recently, all old tapes, files, song words, notebooks strewn everywhere are now all in perfect order, chronologically arranged and tranfered to digital or punched into folders. It took ages, about six months all told.

But what i realised while walking down this memory lane was that there was a type of sign wave to the work. It peaked when i was falling in love and breaking up. It's something i've known i suppose, but it's been confirmed. I'm older now, it was time to refelect.

This is the stuff of art imo, the high emotions, and as an artist i think you become a bit of an inspiration junky... well i am anyway. Always looking for that new place to live, a trip somewhere or that really interesting person to talk to and (in my case) woman to fall in love with.

There's nothing better than being in love, every part of our being is charged and we experience a beautiful natural high like no other.

So i would dive in, so to speak, because if you are creating then you will get things out of yourself that you never knew were there. The people i love ('cos i don't believe we ever fall out of love, i still love them all) have shaped my life.

Just keep saying "yes" is my advice. Art isn't discrete from your life, it is life!

There are exceptions i suppose; say you just got the biggest gig of your life backing Bowie or something and you have six weeks to learn the parts. Then it's shades on, head down and don't look at anyone.

Ironically of course, this is exactly the time when love comes... when you aren't looking.

Quote:

---

...and [you] end up working 40 hours a week in some middle-management job you hate, you won't be tied to some 'distraction' you can lay the blame on.

---

Why would I end up doing that? I'm more likely to go and live in a commune or join a travelling troupe. In fact, I think I'd rather blow my brains out.

Quote:

---

Did you ever entertain the possibility that you might have been the one holding her back? Does it ever cross your mind that people might make sacrifices to have a relationship with you?

---

That's exactly why I don't want to be in a relationship. Wasting my time thinking about that stuff. We all know how fickle love relationships are anyway. You can spend every night with someone for 6 years, and then a month after you split up, you couldn't care less if you see them ever again.

Actually, it was because someone else mentioned Napoleon that I was reminded of Beethoven, and there aren't too many famous stories about mediocre figures to choose as examples either.

Thanks for the replies.

Quote ow:

---

There's nothing better than being in love, every part of our being is charged and we experience a beautiful natural high like no other.

---

Mum's a punk!
I love her madly.

I thought I should add - Anyone who would give up a girl for 'music' must have a higher purpose in this day to day hell we call living. God must have another plan for those lucky guys with yachts . Lucky lucky bastards!

That could be the PMs nephew there - nice photo - mind you, he's listing a little starboard on a poor sail.

Edited by Airfix (10/06/12 02:41 AM)

Quote Airfix:

---

...this day to day hell we call living. God must have another plan for those lucky guys with yachts . Lucky lucky bastards!

---

The people who own yachts like that require armies of boat whores to sail and maintain them, not to mention get them to where the owners want/need them to be whilst the owners are slaving over a hot trading desk or whatever. That yacht is almost certainly a medium sized business and its generally available for rent. The photo looks like one guy sailing his push button, hydraulically winched super yacht but I can assure you there is a skipper, a first mate, probably an engineer, at least four crew, a cook and a couple of stewardesses hidden out of shot. All of whom have walked away from relationships on dry land to follow their 'vocation' and travel the world by wind power. I know this because I used to be one and I can attest that the frisson of insecurity, danger and glamour associated with that lifestyle attracts just as much interest from potential partners in life as being a musician. Being both makes you seriously mad, bad and dangerous to know. Happy endings notwithstanding, luck has nothing to do with it. Everybody makes their own.

--------------------
Strictly project and just for fun

Quote:

---

Anyone who would give up a girl for 'music' must have a higher purpose in this day to day hell we call living.

---

I don't feel that life is hell at all. It's a gift. I go to sleep and wake up wondering what new things I might do or make. Probably a good reason not to change it. (Being single and busy doesn't necessarily mean you can't have any female company by the way).

Having a yacht, a flashy car or expensive clothes does very little for me personally. Materialistic people, I feel, are often just filling a gap that their own creativity should fill.

I think everyone should do something creative whatever it is (carpentry, DIY, cooking, pottery, painting, building electronic gadgets, etc) ...not to be brilliant or 'the best' at it, but just to express themselves and have some pride that they can make something. It becomes like a relationship in a way.

Quote J.A.S:

---

Quote:

---

Anyone who would give up a girl for 'music' must have a higher purpose in this day to day hell we call living.

---

I don't feel that life is hell at all. It's a gift. I go to sleep and wake up wondering what new things I might do or make. Probably a good reason not to change it. (Being single and busy doesn't necessarily mean you can't have any female company by the way).

Having a yacht, a flashy car or expensive clothes does very little for me personally. Materialistic people, I feel, are often just filling a gap that their own creativity should fill.

I think everyone should do something creative whatever it is (carpentry, DIY, cooking, pottery, painting, building electronic gadgets, etc) ...not to be brilliant or 'the best' at it, but just to express themselves and have some pride that they can make something. It becomes like a relationship in a way.

---

Hmm not really. If you hide yourself away and don't allow love in your life you have nothing. If you don't know about love you don't know what life really is, so why would your music be any good? It's not a coincidence how many songs are all about relationships.

Quote johnny h:

---

Quote J.A.S:

---

Quote:

---

Anyone who would give up a girl for 'music' must have a higher purpose in this day to day hell we call living.

---

I don't feel that life is hell at all. It's a gift. I go to sleep and wake up wondering what new things I might do or make. Probably a good reason not to change it. (Being single and busy doesn't necessarily mean you can't have any female company by the way).

Having a yacht, a flashy car or expensive clothes does very little for me personally. Materialistic people, I feel, are often just filling a gap that their own creativity should fill.

I think everyone should do something creative whatever it is (carpentry, DIY, cooking, pottery, painting, building electronic gadgets, etc) ...not to be brilliant or 'the best' at it, but just to express themselves and have some pride that they can make something. It becomes like a relationship in a way.

---

Hmm not really. If you hide yourself away and don't allow love in your life you have nothing. If you don't know about love you don't know what life really is, so why would your music be any good? It's not a coincidence how many songs are all about relationships.

---

Very well put. For me "The Sound of Silence" resonates at all sorts of levels...

Quote:

---

It's not a coincidence how many songs are all about relationships

---

That, of course, includes some of the worst songs ever sicked out.

Also, who said I don't know what love is? That's a huge assumption to make. And what about love for art and music itself?

We could, of course, look at this love thing more technically. Love is triggered usually when two people are not allowed to be together, or most commonly one is higher up the social hierarchy/better looking than the other. The Indian film industry has made a fortune out of this fact. It's a mechanism to get couples to fight to be together. Usually, only one person is truly in love (the one that had to convince the other person). In this case, the other person simply learns to accept or appreciate the other. Hence unrequited love, divorce, crimes of passion, etc.

According to research, when in love, people's brains resemble those of insanely obsessive people. (Of course, there are practical things to be gained too. Money, 'sex on tap', companionship, sharing responsibilies, spitting out the next generation, etc.)

It all depends on what you really want. We could say there's much to be gained by transcending these animal emotions and urges. All those (almost supernatural) skills that Buddhist monks learn to do by sacrificing obvious pleasures (many of which only last minutes anyway) and relationships. That is perhaps where our next stage of evolution begins through art...

Never, ever throw away an opportunity. That was brought home to me when I was 14, and my parents wouldn't let me go on a school trip to Switzerland simply because they said I would 'appreciate' it more the following year when I was older. Unlike my brother the previous year, I accepted this and didn't kick up a stink. Inevitably, the following year the school stopped doing foreign trips

--------------------
It wasn't me!
(Well, actually, it probably was)

Maybe you would've been killed on that trip...?

I'm just saying that, everything can be an opportunity or it can lead to a disaster because we have no way of knowing how something might turn out. So it is really pointless to have regrets and misguided to feel you have to take every opportunity.

Quote J.A.S:

---

Maybe you would've been killed on that trip...?

I'm just saying that, everything can be an opportunity or it can lead to a disaster because we have no way of knowing how something might turn out. So it is really pointless to have regrets and misguided to feel you have to take every opportunity.

---

....and that in a nutshell sums up your approach to love it would seem........I wonder if you have had that approach to music?
I have accepted work that potentially could have been disastrous but worked out fine , on all sorts of levels...and the same goes for relationships. If you extend your logic then you may as well go for ALLl relationships as the musical/emotional benefits MIGHT be huge. Dave

--------------------
My head hurts!

Wow, I can think of a few responses to my post... but that?

I was only really saying that, if there was too much to sacrifice for the sake of (something that appears to be) an opportunity or, if you feel you've missed out on an opportunity, it is worthwhile considering that perphaps it isn't or wasn't worth it after all. Not a terrible way to think...

...especially when it comes to relationships!

Quote J.A.S:

---

Wow, I can think of a few responses to my post... but that?

I was only really saying that, if there was too much to sacrifice for the sake of (something that appears to be) an opportunity or, if you feel you've missed out on an opportunity, it is worthwhile considering that perphaps it isn't or wasn't worth it after all. Not a terrible way to think...

...especially when it comes to relationships!

---

You're on the bus or you're not on the bus. That's basically it. Boats (work in my case). Relationships. Creative muses. Whatever it is that comes along. All I can tell you is that any relationship should be considered thus, assuming you have achieved emotional and phycological maturity: If + 1 adds value then its green for go. (Hint... if its holding you back its not adding value). Good luck!

--------------------
Strictly project and just for fun

Quote Frisonic:

---

Quote J.A.S:

---

Wow, I can think of a few responses to my post... but that?

I was only really saying that, if there was too much to sacrifice for the sake of (something that appears to be) an opportunity or, if you feel you've missed out on an opportunity, it is worthwhile considering that perphaps it isn't or wasn't worth it after all. Not a terrible way to think...

...especially when it comes to relationships!

---

You're on the bus or you're not on the bus. That's basically it. Boats (work in my case). Relationships. Creative muses. Whatever it is that comes along. All I can tell you is that any relationship should be considered thus, assuming you have achieved emotional and phycological maturity: If + 1 adds value then its green for go. (Hint... if its holding you back its not adding value). Good luck!

---

I get the feeling (with all the best intentions) that it is maybe JAS that is holding back, not the +1! I say, all human experience will add to your writing and performing, so give it a go...there are others out there who not only do the same thing as you, but are supportive to you doing your thing. Dave

--------------------
My head hurts!

Quote turbodave:

---

I say, all human experience will add to your writing and performing, so give it a go...there are others out there who not only do the same thing as you, but are supportive to you doing your thing. Dave

---

Preaching to the converted here Dave! The only thing I've ever really regretted was saying 'no' once or twice in my life (although I never did that to a promising looking relationship unless I was already in one) and all the 'yeses' combined resulted in the best kind of treasure. A few heartbreaks and other disappointments along the way, all more grist to the mill.

--------------------
Strictly project and just for fun