Big George's Guide To Commercial Success: Presentation

OK pop-pickers, unless you've got the memory of a goldfish you'll remember that last month I explained why striving for musical perfection is the best way to stop your work ever seeing the light of day. Assuming you took my advice, you should now have some earth-shattering 'product' up for grabs. The question is: how do you get it to the people with the power to change your life?

We all know how many acts are discovered through merely sending unsolicited tapes to record companies, don't we? I think the exact number is: hardly any in the entire history of recorded music. In fact, I'd say there's more chance of you winning the National Lottery three weeks in a row, using the same numbers, and then being hit on the head by a meteor than there is of getting anything from sending an unsolicited tape (though if you insist on doing this, see the 'Cheap Tricks' box for some pointers). Obviously, then, you'd be better off trying to personally play your music to the person who has access to what you need. But how?

There's no point in begging and pleading for an appointment. The way most people get to see those who hold our destiny in their hands is through personal contacts. Chances are you haven't got any of those, so you'll have to be creative, in the sense of lying your socks off.

Before Peter Sellers was famous, he called a receptionist at the BBC, impersonating the voice of a well-known comic of the day, and asked to be put through to the top man. When he got through he chatted for a minute in character before he admitted the charade. So impressed was the duped executive that Sellers was given an audition — and the rest, as they say, is history.

Here's an idea that will either work like a dream or explode in your face, depending on how convincing you are. Call the company of your choice pretending to be someone highly placed in the industry (Robbie Williams' manager, say — someone relevant, but distant enough to hopefully not be a personal friend of the target). Tell the receptionist you'd like to send an artist (who will, of course, be you) over to meet so-and-so to see what they think.

If you do manage to get in, by whatever means, know what you want out of the meeting, and be positive about yourself when you speak. If you have something to say about your work, say it briefly and then shut up. Silence is a potent weapon (although how I would know is for you to speculate about). Knowledge is power, as the saying goes, and the best way to extract knowledge from those you are interviewed by is to let them talk. Make sure your music and your one-page (that's one page) biog/mission statement/pack of colourful lies speak for you.

Don't apologise for your work before playing it. Let the people who have the power to give you money have their say without telling them their opinions are ridiculous, even if they are. And don't get upset if they hate it. A bad reaction could actually be seen as a win. Art (that's your music I'm sticking up for) is subjective: what one ear perceives as a dire cacophony of offensive and unpleasant noise, another will hear as divine music of the gods. Better to avoid the enormous middle ground of "it's OK/quite good/needs some development/more for the American market". If I were the type of person to encourage mischief, I'd suggest you were bold in your manner to anyone who thinks your music is merely average. Don't take that kind of apathy lying down.

They may not want you now, but if you present yourself properly they might well think you're really grooving and give you a call in a month or 18. I myself recently got a call from a big-time TV producer, whom I hadn't bothered for nearly two years, about doing a small job (which I, naturally, did brilliantly). That's the crux of becoming an overnight sensation — rarely does anyone get their heart's desire after one meeting. It takes a lot longer than five years to be able to call yourself a failure.

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