Great start Will
I'm also impressed with Eddy's makeover - essentially the same information, but presented in a much more 'user friendly' form, which sounds far more enticing to a potential purchaser.
I think you could also expand slightly on Eddy's sales point of Three synth engines (AddSynth, SubSynth and PADSynth)
Yes, I know that you're primarily advertising the 'Yoshimi Pi', but I suspect that most potential purchasers will be as interested in what sounds the Yoshimi synth can make as your unique standalone hardware approach.
For instance, while everyone and his dog know the basic approach of SubSynth, the particular strengths of both the AddSynth and PADSynth engines turn this into a unique machine - you need short (10 second or so) audio demos highlighting these strengths (or at the very least short descriptions of what they can offer you that other engines can't) so that people appreciate what's on offer.
For example, those pipe organ sounds using AddSynth are stunning
, while the real-time wavetable movement possibilities of PADSynth are most intriguing - these are the first things I wanted to explore on mine, to find out what Yoshimi Pi could offer me that I couldn't already get with other synths (Never mind the standalone and live performance benefits).
BJG145 is also spot-on with his mention of good photographs (I bought a Gechologic LoopSynth largely for its capabilities, but also because it comes in a package that's so damn gorgeous
), and I suspect here that a few tidied up 'user pics' of systems in various scenarios might help, or failing that, a few good quotes from users demonstrating practical applications of this tiny yet so powerful system.
Hope this helps!